Shall I Stay or Should I Go?
The city lights glowed in the darkness, although fewer were burning now at this late hour. She had watched the lights change from full brightness to just a sporadic twinkling, a perfect reflection of her decision-making. At one point, certainty sang its siren song; then the bass beat of doubt began and certainty turned to spikes of confusion. The job offer came out of nowhere and hit her hard. The description was attractive, and to be sought after was gratifying. Elation bubbled up as she took it all in and comprehended it. Then reality reared up in her mind’s eye in the form of Vincent. And to make reality just a little more real, she had to make her decision by morning. She had gone to see Vincent as early as she could. Mentally rehearsing what she would say, she knew it was time for honesty and hoped Vincent would be equally forthright in his opinions. But she left more confused than when she had gone. When she admitted that a part of her was unhappy with their relationship, he replied, “Well, then you don’t have any choice.” He had said it kindly, but it hurt. It felt like ‘If you don’t like it, you can leave.’ He couldn’t leave, couldn’t go with her. If he was unhappy in their relationship, he couldn’t leave either. All he could do was insist she leave him. Is he as unhappy as I am? she wondered. Is he sending me away to solve his unhappiness? She shook her head in denial. When he had said that, she had insisted she had a choice, that he was a large part of why she was where she was. His impact on her was huge. She couldn’t blithely walk away, whistling a happy tune on the way to a new job. He meant so much to her, was a touchstone for the new her that she was. No one else had ever seen inside her, supported her, respected her, as he did. She wanted to honor his vision of her, his faith in her, but did it have to come at such a price? He insisted there was no other way than for her to go do what she was meant to do, and that he would be with her. No other way, he had said. She guessed he meant the Bond, through which he would feel everything she felt in her new experiences. But would her new experiences be enough for her? A part of her, a big part, had wanted Vincent to admit what he wanted for himself in their relationship instead of always thinking of her. She knew going to see him that he probably would tell her to go…or tell her nothing, leaving it entirely up to her. A tiny part of her wanted to talk about what could be done to lessen her unhappiness, and move the relationship forward. If that had happened, she would not have thought twice about going. But it hadn’t. In fact, she felt unhappier than before. She wiped a tear that ran down her cheek. I have to go, she thought. She took a shuddering breath. Time and distance may be what we both need. It’s not like Providence is 3,000 miles away, like California. It doesn’t have to mean goodbye. Her eyes closed as she offered a silent prayer: Please don’t let it be goodbye. The sun was beginning its rise. Time for her to shower and go tell Joe of her decision.
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